suddenly

just like that

he was gone

i always lose

why do i even bother opening up

when im instantly reminded why

i should just

close back up again

i am meant to be lonely

and that is exactly how i will remain

forever

my hearts sinking

caving into my chest

my eyes sting

ridden with my pain

if i were beautiful, i wouldn’t feel as lonely

if i were beautiful, i’d have a friend

if i were beautiful, i wouldn’t hurt 

if i were beautiful, i’d be lucky

what i would give to be beautiful.

would someone hear me out

would someone notice me

would someone just care

i feel as if

i could be ripped out of this world

in an instant

and become one with the sea

and it wouldn’t change a thing

sinking feelings constantly

floating about endlessly

half conscious half asleep

hardly human

my body is on earth

my soul far far away into the depths of space

im breathing

my hearts beating

yet i’m hardly alive.

i feel so stuck

i haven’t even begun life

and i already feel like a failure

it’s hard to move forward

or to even move at all

when there’s this constant discouraging feeling

i am haunted by what i am not

what i could be

what i want to be

i am unhappy

the only two guys in my life

are in and out

i never see them

conversations are short and half assedly sweet

fuck them

theyre useless

what do they do for me 

nothing

they come and go

and thats it

i will never be enough

how can i lose when i haven’t even crossed the starting line?

someone find me

in all my misery

someone find me

and hold me

while i whither from the winters cold

on the ground.

i am not depressed

just sad

and lonely.

water trickling rapidly down my neck

and my small chest

and my stomach

down my wide hips

and ample thighs

to my pink toes

enveloping me relentlessly

if only i knew someone who could love my body

as much as water did.

my heart is a little bit shattered

a little bit broken

a little bit tainted

a little bit bruised

a little bit sad

a little bit shy

a little bit tender

and a little bit high.